Wednesday, 28 November 2012

How To Hide Your Peanut Butter Addiction



Don't you hate it when you buy a big jar of peanut butter, and a week later, you realize it’s gone, and that you’re the only one in your home who eats peanut butter? 

No. That probably doesn’t happen to you.

Because you are probably a normal human being, and normal human beings don’t single-handedly consume entire jars of peanut butter over the course of one week. 

Not that I do that. 

But if I did do that, I would probably wish to conceal the evidence of my gluttony from my husband (that is, if he hadn’t already found evidence of this in the form of my not-so-gradually expanding waistline).

Obviously, I would go buy another jar of peanut butter to replace the empty jar. This way my husband would just assume that the new jar was the old jar, and that his wife wasn’t a big giant pig. 

During the unfortunate time lag between the consumption of the old jar and the purchase of the new jar, I would make sure there was just enough peanut butter in the old jar for it to maintain the appearance of still being full. This would be easily accomplished by making sure that a tiny amount remained and was strategically spread over the entire surface area of the inside of the jar.

If, as a result of absent-mindedness and sheer stupidity, I accidentally left the empty peanut butter jar in the pantry after purchasing the new jar, and my husband were to find both the full and the empty butter jars, he would likely cope with his shock and disgust by proceeding to inform me how many calories are in a jar of peanut butter. 

5680 calories.

The equivalent of almost three days’ worth of calories.

Good thing I didn’t do that. 

Not that I would tell you if I did.

PS. When I read this post to my husband, he noted that it kind of makes him look like a jerk. I assure you that this is most certainly not the case, as evidenced by the following random act of coffee kindness:

 

25 comments:

  1. Dying! If the situation ever becomes more than theoretical, let's talk. Not that I have a few similar cover-ups of my own to share or anything...and the coffee gesture is too sweet.

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    1. Um yes, let's talk. Peanut butter eating support group?

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  2. Mmmm peanut butter. Don't hide it! Wear that peanut butter glutton badge with pride! My favorite snack is a small bowl of peanut butter with a handful of chocolate chips mixed in.....

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    1. Shayna, you're a woman after my own heart! Have you tried melting the chocolate chips and stirring the melted chocolate in the with the peanut butter? That is my go-to dessert when I have nothing else in the house and I need chocolate. In fact, I think I'll have some now.

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  3. Oh good - I'm not the only one who eats peanut butter straight out of the jar!!!

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    1. Straight out of the jar or mixed with melted chocolate chips!

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  4. That's the most awesome post ever that I read today!! ahahahahha!! You crack me up! I never ever do that because.....I'm too busy licking the remains of the Nutella jar!! :P

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    1. Mmmm. Nutella. I can't keep it in the house. It would last less than an hour.

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    2. Hey!! I liked this post so much, I included it in my post today! Check it out! http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2012/11/what-ive-been-reading-this-week-18and.html

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  5. That is VERY sweet of your husband.

    My fiance likes Kraft PB and I like Skippy...so we don't share jars. However, if I ever run out of mine and have to use his, I will use your strategic spread. :)

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    1. I like Kraft better and my husband likes Skippy, but now that my daughter's eating PB, we buy the all natural kind with no salt or sugar. It's good because I don't eat as much of it that way!

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  6. Buy a jar of Nutella. Then add it to your spoonful of peanut butter and eat them together. You'll thank me later. Or hire a hit man.

    Oh - and I've never tried the above...I've just HEARD it's pretty good.

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    1. Pretty much anything involving Nutella is pretty good. No, REALLY good.

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  7. I saw nothing wrong with this story, not that it actually happened. ;o)

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    1. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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  8. First of all, glad to know that I'm not the only one with this sort of non-problem problem. Second of all, holy crap, my husband hasn't written me a note in... well, ever. He was raised by pricks so it's to be expected, but we aren't talking about in laws here so I'll stop.

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    1. Glad to know you can relate to this non-problem. And that you call it a non-problem! :)

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  9. I admit there are times when nothing tastes better than a big spoonful of pure peanut butter straight from the jar. But I want to know why the phone always rings right after the spoon enters my mouth.

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  10. Oh I've dealt with a peanut butter addiction in the recent past. Did you know that just a taste here and there can into an obsessive, sweaty, shaking need a fix now moments. Yeah. It's not pretty! I'm with you on that one!

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  11. Aw, that coffee thing was sweet! :) My personal addiction is peanut butter AND chocolate together. Yikes.

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  12. With me its the gummy bears or twizzlers. As many as there are in the bag is as many as I'm going to eat. That's just the way it is. I feel ya, sister!

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  13. This is so funny. We all have our secret obsessions...hehe.

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  14. I loved this. I have a guilty pleasure for peanut butter too. You shared this in such a humorous way....it was definately worth all the read. The coffee message was a great POP of Love at the end. Awesome!

    Thanks for visiting from Roshni's today. I am so looking forward to getting to know. Please know if you have any questions for learning, you can email me anytime. I would be happy to help. = )

    Irish Carter
    Dedicated2Life.com
    "Promoting Passionate People"

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  15. How sweet of your husband! Great post Laura.

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  16. Every morning, my three year old eats a spoonful of peanut butter (which she calls a peanut butter lollipop) as her "breakfast appetizer." She is adorable, and based on your profile picture, so are you. Maybe peanut butter is a beauty secret.
    -Amy

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