Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Listen Up- We Have Some New Rules Around Here



My daughter recently turned one. Amidst all the celebrating, I started thinking about how the number one is a pretty awesome number. Yes, I’m weird like that. Bear with me.

Imagine how amazing life would be if certain things could happen just once. So I decided to stop imagining and to institute a new rule in our household:

 The "Only Once Rule."

The Only Once Rule makes specific demands on all people, pets and inanimate objects in our home. 

The dog 

The dog will be permitted to bark only once to announce that a visitor is at the door, or that he wishes to come in from the backyard.  Any further barking is redundant, and serves only to annoy me.

The baby 

We will attempt to leave the house only once. This attempt will be successful. Always. Oh, and she will only wear one outfit per day. Is that too much to ask?

The husband  

The husband will need to be told only once to take the garbage out/ put his dishes away etc.  And most importantly, this one reminder will actually result in the task being carried out.

Me

I will only nag my husband once when I want him to take the garbage out/put his dishes away etc. Although, I would argue that the reason I need to dole out every-five-minute reminders is because of his reluctance to complete these chores in a timely manner. He would argue that my incessant nagging produces the opposite of its desired effect in that nagging leads to irritation which leads to resentment which leads to “Well, I was going to take the garbage out but now I’m not going to because you’re pissing me off”. He might have a point. 

The highchair 

The highchair will need to be cleaned only once. Ever. This way, when I clean it, and experience a glorious sense of satisfaction as though I’d never have to wash it again, I would not be considered delusional.

I am aware that this new rule might be met with some resistance from all those involved. But hey, there’s always next year when we celebrate the Number 2, and I get to make gratuitous poo jokes. 

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Why Malls Were Invented



I never really understood the appeal of malls. Well, except when I was 14 years old, and it was like totally the coolest place ever. But that was before I discovered- well…everywhere else- because almost everywhere else is more exciting than the mall.

Or at least it was. Until now.

I have now reignited my love affair with the mall, and I am a hundred percent in the honeymoon phase.

You see, my one year old daughter recently started walking. At first, all her walking took place at home, as she wasn’t yet steady enough on her feet to take the show on the road. 

Once her walking improved and she was ready to make her debut public performance, we went to the local mall, and I set her loose.  

Suddenly, it was like King Midas had turned the place to gold.

Previously unnoticed signs on the wall became works of art, ugly plants took on a rainforest-like mystique, and benches became percussion instruments.



Now I can add “hanging out at the mall” to the list of activities that I never understood prior to becoming a mom (along with other formerly -deemed “odd” lifestyle choices, such as going to bed early, living in the suburbs, and staying home on Saturday night).

So now I know, malls are for toddlers. And if my daughter loves the mall, I do too. After all, what could be better than watching her take such delight in a place that I previously thought was depressing, at best?

And the cherry on top? All that walking, running, and exploring tired her out so much that she slept for thirteen hours that night. And that, my friends, is why malls were invented.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

How To Eat Like A Baby

How to eat like a baby:



1. Whine and Complain and food will miraculously appear on your plate.

2. Proceed to assess the edibility of said food by carefully inspecting it, smushing it in your hands, and  delicately massaging it into your hair.

3. Re-assess favourite foods daily. Enjoying a particular food on several occasions is a little excessive. Once a food has been readily accepted, it's probably time to announce your newfound dislike for this former favourite.

4. Express this dislike by sticking out your tongue. Make sure the offending food is still present on your 
tongue when you stick it out, lest the person feeding it to you be confused about the source of your 
disgust.

5. Decide that the high chair is hungry as well and generously share one quarter of your meal with it.

6. Act highly offended when someone tries to spoon feed you (how barbaric!). 

7. Grab the spoon, demand a second spoon, and delight in the joy of banging spoons on the highchair tray.

8. Suddenly realize that you have not yet eaten anything, and burst out crying at this horrifying realization.

9. Rub more food into your hair.

10. Repeat steps 1. through 9.

11. Decide you weren’t hungry after all.



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Friday, 5 October 2012

What Type Of Blog Commenter Are You?


Do you comment on blogs? I do. One of the things I love about blogging is the interactive element. Every time I get a new comment on my blog, I do a bit of a happy dance. While all comments are appreciated, not all comments are created equal.  Here are a few of the many types of blog commenters.

The Comment-For-The-Sake-Of-Commenting Commenter- This type of commenter writes a comment simply to announce their presence and to inform you that they’ve "read" your post (ie. they've clicked on it, and hightailed it straight to the Comments section, hoping they can come up with something to say that won't alert you to the fact that they didn't read a single word of your post). Typically, this is done in the hopes that because they left you a comment, you will check out their blog. If you write me a comment that says nothing but "I'm following you. Please follow me back" , please know that I will be deleting your comment before it ever appears on my post. Not that you care because you'll probably never read my blog again, anyway.

The My-Comment-Is-Awesomer-Than-Your-Blog-Post Commenter- Also known as the Hilarious Commenter. These commenters somehow regularly come up with clever, witty, little nuggets of pure gold. You want to hate them because their comments makes your posts look pathetic in comparison, but you love them because they make you laugh so hard you pee your mom jeans.

The Angry Commenter- This is the very worst type of commenter- arguable worse than the Comment-For-The-Sake-Of-Commenting Commenter. The Angry Commenter is mad at the world. And it’s your fault. And they’ll tell you so. (And they are not afraid to tell you that you shouldn’t start a sentence with “And”.)
The LOL Commenter- The LOL Commenter writes nothing in their comment except for “LOL” (sometimes followed by one or more exclamation marks). I actually don’t mind the LOL Commenter. The LOL Commenter just wants to share that they liked your post without writing an entire dissertation about it. I’m okay with that. And if they are really just a thinly veiled Comment-For-The-Sake-Of-Commenting Commenter, I'm still okay with that. I'm just going to go on believing that they are actually laughing out loud and that makes me feel like a rockstar. Don't ruin my fantasy, okay?

The Anonymous Commenter- These secret scribes often leave the best comments, but it drives me crazy because I can't find out who's behind their works of genius. Is the Anonymous Commenter someone I know in real life? Are all of my Anonymous Commenters the same person, or are there several of them? Are they my mom?

What type of blog commenter are you?
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